On Sunday, I followed my work friend, let's call him N, to the local Swedish church because he’d invited me. I understood none of the service because it was in Swedish, but found great delight in the fact that God had disseminated the Good News to so many different nations and peoples.

The conversation I would have after service with one of my friend's friends, let's call him M, was some of the eye-opening theological discussion I've had in a long time. I had been praying for some kind of breakthrough, praying to God that I would find friends of faith to discuss my concerns with. God surprised me completely. If you told me 2 weeks ago that I would go to Swedish Church, and have a faith breakthrough there talking to an AI unicorn startup founder, I would've told you to go fuck yourself. I honestly thought God had left me out dry. I was resigned to my fate, and counting down the days until my death.

Here’s the gist of what I got out of that conversation.

1. God is far larger that I had imagined

2. I have to put some preconceived notions of the Christian life to death

3. Additional Reflections

God is far larger than I had imagined

This is what I recall of his story of how M, the AI unicorn startup founder, came to faith. I may have gotten some details wrong, and I've made some edits for readability, but the large strokes are there.

“

I'd describe myself as always having been spiritual. My mom would say that I was always searching for meaning in my life. I first came to read the Bible a couple years ago just because I felt called to it. I started from Genesis, and when I arrived at Matthew, I cried for an hour. I'd had this background process in my brain all my life which was one that was searching for the meaning of my life. So when I understood that this was it, I felt a great sense of peace, because I didn't have to think about that anymore. You know when your computers at 80% CPU and RAM usage, because of some background process you didn’t know about? It was like killing that background process.

So I asked God, “What now?” Soon, God called me very specifically to evangelize to startup founders. I was a founder at the time. I was like, “That's great, but how do I do that? My startup sucks, so nobody will listen to me.” In a year, our startup went from 0 to 11 million in revenue, and at the end of three years, it had reached 33 million in revenue. I've already handed off the reins to my other cofounders, and I'm going back to Sweden now, where I'm going to work full time on content that gives practical advice to startup founders, and also points them to Christ. I’ll be on X, Youtube, everywhere.

“

Despite not having been a Christian for very long, M was incredibly well-versed in theology, and given his background as an AI startup founder, he had some incredibly techno-pilled takes that I mostly agree with, but are so out there that most Christians, especially members of the clergy would balk at them. Some of his takes I remember were:

• I think of reading the Bible as aligning your neural net with God's worldview. That's why I do it every morning, and every night.
• We're going to need a Jesus vector for designing ethical AI. Because Jesus is God in human form, if you model his life and actions through a mathematical vector, you can get the mathematical equivalent of “What would Jesus do?” that the AI can follow.

The more I talked to M, the more my mind was blown. The startup, and tech/AI space is one of the most secular and amoral environments I have come into contact with, and I had never seen anyone so deep in the space (an AI unicorn founder) be so Christian. I realized that, I’d already decided in my head “there’s no way a founder of a very successful startup could be a devout Christian.” I didn't even know they made people like this. Very clearly, God is capable of it, praise be to Him!

My initial realization was that God’s plans, and his orchestrations of those plans span years and eons are intricate, and unimaginable to the human mind. He’d carefully guided M’s spiritual journey all through his life in search of meaning, revealed Himself to M a couple years ago, and performed miracles in M’s life. He’d put me through the spiritual wringer to bring me to the end of myself 2 weeks ago, and He made us cross paths, the very week before M left for Sweden, pretty much forever. And through our conversation, He redefined my understanding of the Christian life. Do you understand how improbable any of this is? How many things had to go right (or wrong) for this to happen? Now I see that coincidences don’t exist. God really does not play dice with the universe.

The macro realization I had following that was that I was limiting the possibilities of life that could be made possible by an infinite God, and by consequence, I was limiting the ways that the Christian life could be lived out.

I have to put some preconceived notions of the Christian life to death

I was too entrenched in the examples of what it meant to live out your faith which I had seen in Korean Christian Church. How it usually went was:

• If you are a good Christian, you serve your church in some capacity or go on missions until you get greater and greater responsibilities. Other things are lesser responsibilities.
• The people that “really” serve God are those that are missionaries, or pastors.

That had been the “model Christian life” that I had been presented with all of my life. To be honest, it wasn't even what I had been presented with all my life. There were plenty of examples of Sunday school teachers and other mature Christians in my life that proved to me that living out your faith was so much more than serving at church, but I was blind to it. Serving at church is not wrong, but constraining the Christian life to just the time we spend inside church fails to take into account many other areas of life.

The consequence of my failure to realize this was that I was living the Christian life in a very stupid manner. I was so afraid of hell and death that I tried to condense the Bible into set of rules to live by and tried to live it to a tee, almost Phariseeically in nature. I had turned life into an impossible multiple choice test, for which every question had a correct answer. For example, the answer to “What should I do with my free time?” was “community service, reading the Bible, or prayer.” The answer to “How do you serve God and please Him?” was “serve at church.”

First of all, these answers were incomplete and unsatisfactory for obvious reasons. In my definition of the world, I could sleep well at night if I had read the Bible that day. If I didn’t, I was a complete and utter failure. How does that make sense? Second of all, I was failing the test miserably and torturing myself for it because that test is not passable by any man. Who is perfect? Who can live without sin? I had always known in my head that the Bible was not a set of rules. It has rules, but it is more so a set of stories that define a worldview on what it means to live this faith. This only clicked, and made sense to me when I talked to M, and saw how God had called Him to live his life.

I told M about this concern of mine, and he had an interesting story as his answer.

“

Back in college, when I didn’t believe in Jesus yet, one of the guys in my dorm was really into building dirt bikes, and he would always write “Dirt Bikes for Jesus” on his bikes. Back then, I was like, “Why is he doing that?” Now, I'm like, “ahhh, that makes sense.” He was just a guy that really loved dirt bikes, really loved Jesus, and brought those two things together. Whenever I think about how to live out my faith in my daily life, I just think of that happy dirt bike guy. He wasn't going out evangelizing on the streets or anything, but I'm sure that everyone that knew him or talked to him came into contact with Jesus living through him.

“

Now instead of a multiple choice test, when I think about my life, I see a blank piece of paper. I can draw on it, rip it up, throw it in the trash, do whatever I want with it, so as long as my heart is in accordance with what God's heart is. There are no “Christian things” (street evangelism, serving at church, community service, etc.) and “non-Christian things” (writing fiction, building a startup, riding a skateboard, etc.) anymore. Everything becomes a “Christian thing” when God is at the center of your heart, save for mass murder or selling meth to five-year olds.

Additional Reflections

The really funny thing about all this is that people had been telling me this about the Christian life for all my life, whether it was directly, indirectly via stories, or inside books. I’d heard it so many times I’m hitting myself on the head right now for not getting it. But I was blind to it, and not by choice. The thing is, you can't understand these things by yourself, no matter how smart you are. These come as revelations from God. Even if you understand it on an intellectual level, it will never leave any lasting impact in your life until God works in your heart.

Just like how God brings people to faith out of accordance with his will, God too is the one that makes someone's faith grow, develop, and brings them to new understandings. This is a new paradigm for my faith. I've been trying to work my way to salvation, when actual, real change in my life, not just surface level changes, has been in God's hands this entire time. He's just been waiting for me to hit rock bottom, and give up on myself completely, so that He could reveal even more of Himself to me. Why did He wait for that to happen? Probably to prove to me that I can't do a single fucking thing on my own.

Well, I'm all the better for it, so no complaints there. I'm as free as a bird. Keeping God at the center of my heart is really difficult, but that's actually God's responsibility too. I'm going to stop trying so hard. In moments of self-reflection, I will once again inevitably despair at my imperfection. But I want to remind myself of this.

I don't need to rely on myself, or trust in myself anymore because:

1. I can trust that God is always working in my heart, and He will grow my faith, develop me, and use me for His will.

2. I can trust in Christ's redeeming work on the cross, where He died for my sins, precisely because I am imperfect, and never will be.

Now all that remains is for God to continue aligning my heart with His for the rest of my life. I'm not going to force this continual transition either, as I may have previously done. I'm going to let it happen in time, and be patient, letting God work in His perfect timing. I’m not going to try to force it myself, and watch my effort amount to nothing.

I admit I do feel a little too free, the kind of free where you're like I can do anything I fuckin' want, and I don't think that's what God wants of me. I still think I should fear God in some form or another. I'm also not exercising my free will to push myself towards God as much (by keeping in spiritual disciplines, etc.), out of the trust that God will change me. But as always, everything is a balancing act, and I know I'm swinging pretty hard onto one side right now, and hopefully I will self-correct into a better range.

There is also something to be said about the nature of these revelations. Usually, these revelations that God brings into your life are so drastic and life-altering that it feels like going from being blind to being able to see. They can also feel so obvious after the fact of realization that you wonder how you didn’t understand this before. But because you are human, and you will never be able to comprehend the true nature of God, you will spend the rest of your life, revelation after revelation, being amazed at how little you are, and how great God is.

My Life Has Already Changed

Remarkably, that single Aha! moment has already has changed my life. My understanding went from a very narrow definition of morality into more so a worldview that can be generally applied, freeing me from rules, and the obsession of having to be right every single time. This has had cascading effects on how I see other parts of my life as well. I always felt guilty writing fiction because I thought God would rather have me doing other “Christian things” in my free time. In my job as a programmer, I was previously searching for a formula of perfect rules and frameworks that would lead me to the right answer every time, even though I knew in my brain that those didn't exist.

Simply put, these worries are gone now. I'm happily writing a short story that I'll publish on this blog, and I've been producing much better output at work. I used to always have a background process in the back of my head asking “Is this what God really wants me to do? Wouldn't He want me to be doing something more 'Christian'?” That's also gone now. I've also been nervous and flighty around people ever since I moved to this city because I was so damn stressed about my faith all the time, but I've entered a state of nonchalantness where I'm just spitting all the time, like I used to do. But it's not with faked confidence or bravado anymore that I previously needed because I secretly thought I was a shitter/loser, and hated myself. Those thoughts have also magically vanished. I’ve ceased to rely on who I am as a source of confidence, but instead trust deeply in the fact that God has me securely in His hands, and He is with me. That trust has developed as a result of these recent events.

Addendum (12/10/2025)

We had this discussion in Bible study today about the role of free will and the role of God in spiritual growth. Sometimes, God gives gifts without any action on your end, but typically, you need to take some action too. What I need to remember is that God has given us an insane amount of free will for a reason. I’m not going to choke myself out with the burden of it, because I trust in His grace, but I do need to exercise it to get closer to Him, serve Him, and those around me. Here’s to putting in a lot of hard work, but remembering that God is one that enables me to work hard, and is the one that makes my effort yield fruit.

“I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow.”

1 Corinthians 3:6

Next

Next blogpost, I'll talk about some of the more non-faith related conversations that me and M had, and how M, and another guy who we'll call J, both tried to convince me hard to become a startup founder. They also told me that an app I'm building for fun on the side has potential to make some money. Not a lifetime's worth of Fuck You money, but maybe some sweet side income. Does God want me to become a startup founder? That would hilarious if I did become a startup founder. Because recently, I've decided that I don't want to become one because it's too much work, and I don't think I'm cut out for it.

#personal

I've always held the opinion that we can demonize public figures, Hitler, all the people who’ve committed horrible things all we want, but we all have to remember, that everyone has a little bit of Hitler in them. The evil that was in Hitler’s heart is the same evil that resides inside your heart, and my heart. And I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a shitter, and by many standards, not a good person.

“A person may think their own ways are right, but the Lord weighs the heart.” (Proverbs 21:2-3)

People who know me will disagree with my statement. But they’ve never seen the thoughts that fly through my head, and they don’t know that I take delight in evil.

Sometimes, I just want to see the world burn. I’m not so psychopathic that I’ll see a dead person and smile, but I am happy when people around me encounter miserable events in their lives. And it’s all because I’m miserable pretty much all the time. I just want to see them feel as unhappy as I do. Yesterday, I heard a member of the worship team at church talk about some church drama that was going on, and how the team had abruptly gotten disbanded. I must have been jealous of the close community that they had together, because I admit I had to stop myself from cracking a smile, imagining that community fall apart. So that each of them could be as lonely and empty as I feel every day. And it’s not like these are people I hate, either. I think they love God, and I think highly of them. It’s fucking horrible, I know. But this is the truth. Why can’t I be happy for other people when they are happy, despite whatever I’m going through? Why do I wish that everyone would drop to my level, instead of wishing that I could be as happy as other people around me?

I also am a hedonist.

No Face, a spirit inside the movie Spirited Away, is a spirit that possesses an insatiable hunger, and grows bigger and bigger, consuming everything in its path. When I see this guy, I see myself. Except instead of having a bottomless stomach, I feel like I have a hole in my mine, so that everything I eat fulfills for a moment, and falls out, leaving me empty again. And instead of food, I consume pleasure. I don’t drink anymore, but I still haven’t been able to cut porn and masturbation from my life, and I still browse internet reel slop for insane amounts of time. Sometimes, I feel possessed, and I can’t stop myself, no matter how much I want to, and like there’s a monster in me doing things that I don’t actually want to do. But I must want to do it, because that monster is just my desire.

I also hate authority. This comes from pride. Because I hate when people tell me what to do.

I also like watching that yuri shit and that menhera shit. Yuri because it’s saccharine sweet. It’s not hot to me, but emotionally satisfying for some reason. Menhera shit because misery loves company, and I fantasize about falling into a deep pit of a degenerate lifestyle of giving up on everything.

And the list goes on and on. Christianity is not a religion about do’s and don’ts, and endless rituals to appease a God. God cannot be appeased by our works alone, and, if I understand correctly, really is a God that desires our hearts and a faith in him more than anything. Of course, God is pleased by good deeds, but for our deeds to even be considered good, God judges our hearts and decides if it is in the right place. Yet faith without works is also dead.

This is a big concern of mine because I have a deep-seated fear that Jesus will cast me away from him on judgement day, saying that He did not know me (related article explaining this). The article paraphrases this sentiment.

“Jesus is saying to the five foolish virgins, ‘I don’t see in you the life, the evidence, of loving my name and departing from evil. You’re not mine. I don’t know you.’” (from the article)

Love has emotional components to it, but also many actional components to it, and I feel like I have so much evil already in my life that I do, not because I’m unaware of it, but because I’m either unwilling to cut it out because I love my sin too much, and or I’m wrestling with it, and losing. I’m to love God more than anything, including the sin in my life, and if I don’t depart from my sin, isn’t it evidence that I don’t even love God more than the sin in my life?

At this point, I just want to give up. For the past 3 weeks, I’ve had some life-ending depression, that I think was maybe triggered by watching porn again. I don’t have much hope left in me. I don’t even have many thoughts anymore. Even if I marry, I have no confidence I can do my family justice. I don’t know if I have anything good to offer this world in other respects either. I have such large mood swings all the time that I don’t trust my emotions to tell me the truth about anything anymore.

I just want to give up on myself. GOOD BYE!!!!!!!!

#personal

I spent most of today in bed, choking on my own loneliness. As I mentioned in NO LONGER WORTH ANYONE’S TIME, I am officially no longer worth anyone’s time anymore. I have to forcefully wedge myself into peoples’ space and time, and figuratively ask them, “Hey, do you have a moment?” I had really hoped that I would be able to find some friends to hang with at my church, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. I’m not involved in any kind of service at church, and I’m not going to join something just because I need friends, because I don’t think God would be the biggest fan of that. And, welp, I kind of tried to make friends in faith, because I long for deep relationships that have faith at the heart of it. But it’s been a couple months, and I’m still really lonely, and I don’t really get the sense that anybody is open or willing to become friends with me.

Two things that has recently changed with me is:

1. I’m no longer self-confident

2. I’m not funny anymore

I’m not confident in myself anymore because God has shown me time and time again that I shouldn’t be confident in myself, but in Him. But I have yet to grasp what being confident in God really means. For example, I used to believe that I could achieve X, Y, Z with my own ability. But now, I’m unsure about everything. “Well, maybe I could achieve X, Y, Z if God allows, but I’m not even sure if that’s what He wants, and…” is what’s been running through my head.

I’m not funny anymore. I used to crack a lot of crass jokes, and I just kind of stopped doing that, especially around church people, because I know God doesn’t like that. But that was kind of my entire humor repertoire, and I guess I haven’t reinvented myself yet. Every conversation used to be a little minigame for me to get people to laugh, and I’ve lost that playfulness too. So I’m not funny anymore.

In either category, I’ve regressed, and it shows in my life. Some days, I can’t bear to look myself in the mirror because I can’t stand the sight of myself, because it reminds me of the entire being that I am, which I find disgusting and unbearable to be even reminded of. Socially, because I spend so much of my time coding, I’ve become an omega autist, and I have trouble making conversation with people, much less cracking jokes, and making people happy.

So today, I spent a lot of time choking on myself in bed. If I still drank, I would have drowned myself in alcohol. I’m past that, so I didn’t do that, but I instead reflected on how little anyone cared about my existence. And I don’t say that lightly. My life is currently possessed by a quietness, stillness that reflects my social isolation. My phone mostly rings with Slack messages from people at work telling me to do something, and a whole lot of ads. When I get back to my apartment from work, I compulsively turn on something like Youtube or music just to fill the silence. It’s hard for me to bear the silence.

Today I felt bodily pain while lying in bed and reflecting on my aloneness. Something hurt. I don’t know what. Maybe it was my heart. I wondered if I should cut myself with the razor blades I use to shave. If I started, I didn’t think I would be able to stop myself from going all out and giving myself a serious injury. I shivered, thinking about the ramifications of it. I would have to pay for a visit to the ER, trashing my bank account. I would have to give people at work and church some bullshit excuse on why I had a huge bandage on my wrist that everyone would see through. I would have yet another addiction to deal with. The thing that really stopped me was having to explain it to everyone. It would make me ashamed to the core. It’s just weak and lame, that whole cutting yourself thing because you hate yourself. I wouldn’t want to show myself around them again.

Some people tell me stories about how people around them are compelled to come to church because of the manner in which they live their life. They possess a hope and joy that is unknown in this world, and like a moth to a flame, people are drawn to it, and want to know why. Every time I hear a story like that, I’m cut to the core, because I know that the way that I’ve lived my life, and how I live right now, nobody will do that looking at me. I’m completely useless to both people and God. Writing was the only thing I was ever talented at, and I think I’m getting worse at that too. So I’m on the way to becoming a human dumpster.

This blog is a pretty honest reflection of my internal dialogue. Who would read this and see Christ? I’m despaired and who I am, and what I’ve become. I don’t know if I can change, and I am forcing myself to hope, because I have decided to hope.

Yeah anyways, I crashed out and fell asleep in a state of depression. I woke up, and went to church, because they had dinner for people. Everyone there was new to the city, like me, and didn’t have anywhere to go, like me. I was hoping to talk to the people a little more, but our head pastor ended up giving a long talk, which I liked too.

This is the gist:

1. God doesn’t have a special someone prepared for you in marriage. There are multiple options He usually opens up to you, and you have free will in the matter. If you’re ready for marriage, and you’re awake to the signs He’s giving you, you’ll find it. The key here is that you must first give God control over your marriage, trusting that He’ll show you someone, rather than you finding something yourself.

2. Youth is a time of venturing off the beaten path, and throwing stuff at the wall, seeing what sticks. Continually question, and try new things even if people tell you you can’t do it.

This is what I realized:

1. I need to let God take the wheel on marriage, my dreams, and friendships.

Because I don’t want to be forever alone, I must therefore marry. I don’t have any dreams of my own, mostly because I’ve given up on them, waiting for God to show me something. I don’t have friends in this new city. In all these things, I must give God full control, and continually pray for His guidance in these things. That God might prepare me to play my part in a loving marriage, that He will give me vocational calling, and that God will show me who to make my deep friendships with. I must pray with expectance, and unrelenting hope, because I know that God is listening to my every word of my prayers.

I’ve half given up on making deep faith-based friendships/relationships at church because everyone’s so busy with their own thing. But I’m also just hedging my expectations against disappointment, and I decided that I would stop doing that. I also feel bitter and rejected even though nobody’s actually rejected me (I’M SUCH A LOSER) that I just want to distance myself from them because I’m a petty bastard. I hate myself for even considering in hoping for friends, because it feels so impossible that it’ll happen that I feel like an idiot for hoping. But for God, this is a simple task. I also hate asking for help, from anyone, even God. It makes me feel incompetent, weak, and useless. If someone stabbed me in the arm, I would tourniquet myself, and take an Uber to the ER. I wouldn’t ask for help unless I was literally bleeding out.

I’m such a sensitive bitch and I can’t stop myself. I’m so stupid and I hate myself for it. (x10000000000000000)

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself

I’m

s

u

ch

a

bitch

#personal

What does it actually look like if we are to live as a slave to Christ? My pastor recommended me the following books of the Bible to read: Daniel, Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther.

I will read them!

It becomes more and more apparent to me that living as a Christian means that I have to give up everything that I am. This bothers me, and it would probably bother anyone. But I continue, in part because I know that the only path to living the life truly lived, and living a life that God acknowledges is going forward, and giving up more and more of myself. What is the alternative? Living the same way as I did before? Mired in sin, and the meaningless things of this world? These things still call to me, as a siren calling to a sailor from the deep, but what is the point in pursuing them when I have much better things to do with my life? Isn’t it much more interesting to wake up every morning, in expectant hope of what God has in store for you that day? At least, these are the things that I tell myself to keep going. The world tries to brainwash me in one direction, so I must try to keep my thoughts going in the other.

#personal

I’ve decided to hope again. Not because anything has changed in my life, but because I have decided to hope, embracing even the crushing discouragement that comes from having your hopes shattered. But those that hope can also possess joy in what is to come.

If I was placing my hope in something of this world, I would have no right to hope. Death takes all, events and people melt into the sands of time after their passing. The world will never be a just one, and those with power or money are no more evil than the rest of us, but simply have the ability to express it without regards to punishment. What I’m trying to say is that the world is hopeless, and no man can change the hopelessness of it because man is hopeless. You can only really have any hope based in reality if you have hope in God’s plan, and if you believe that His plan is a good one.

Today, the pastor spoke about the story of Leah and Rachel in the Old Testament. Rachel had a hot bod and a pretty face that was such a turn on for Issac he worked a total of 14 years for his uncle Laban to have her hand in marriage. Leah was the unwanted +1 of the 1+1 wife package that Laban sold to Isaac. Not pretty, but she had a good personality. Issac paid Leah practically no attention throughout their entire marriage despite her being the one that bore all of his children, and only showered his love on Rachel. Leah was a woman of faith, and although she initially held onto the hope that Issac would eventually love her, he never really did. Her hopes were continually realigned with every childbirth she had, from hoping for the things of this world (Issac’s love and recognition), to hoping for the things not of this world (God).

The central question that God posed in my heart today was this. Can I, in faith, say that in spite of everything in my life that makes me miserable, this is part of God’s good plan? And trust that He loves me, and wants the best for me? And that all my suffering will mean something? Can I hope in that, even if God’s definition of good does not fit my definition of good? If so, I can have joy, and I can have hope.

For the past ten years, I estimate that most of my time was spent in a headspace of misery. Refusing to hope in anything because I expected imminent disappointment, seriously considering killing myself, and wallowing in my misery and social isolation because that gave me more pleasure than hoping, then feeling stupid for having had any hope if disappointment came. If I was always miserable, I could always expect to be miserable, and unsurprised when disappointment came. It was my way of controlling my emotions, and at a certain point, the misery felt good. But this is in direct conflict with how God tells us to live, who commands believers to have joy. Philippians 4:4 – “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!”

I am going to stop fantasizing about opening up gashes in my arm with a kitchen knife, or feeling relieved when I imagine someone killing me. I am going to stop engaging in self-destructive behavior that stems from me wanting to die. I will not be the one that kills me. I will now bear the fear, uncertainty that comes with having hope in a future that I have no ability to predict, and even the heart-rending disappointment that comes from not having received what I had hoped for. I will have to unlearn my entire life, and I don’t expect it to successfully happen overnight. But when I am through on the other side, I expect that I will not even recognize the man I see in the mirror.

I have placed even more of my trust in God. I have decided to hope again!

#personal

I estimate about a third of my waking life has been spent in a state of numbing misery. When I’ve been in this state for longer than a week, I start needing to feel something. Anything to cut through the stupor in my brain. The usual suspects are alcohol, listening to music loud enough to hurt my eardrums, Muay Thai, or imagining my death. But I don’t even drink anymore, so usually I just blast some music or work out, which are pretty healthy coping mechanisms. I’m glad I never got into the hard drugs or psychadelics thing.

I’ve never told anyone about these things, so consider yourself special. I wish I could tell someone, but I can never do it in the moment. The moment my mouth opens and I’m about to say something, my emotions are wiped from my brain, and I can’t express myself anymore. Also, I’d feel really bad for the person listening. Everyone has their burdens, mostly burdens heavier than the troubles in my life, so I never am happy about heaping another worry on their list of things to worry about. And if they just brushed my troubles off, then I’d really really want to kill myself. I also feel a deep sense of embarrassment that I feel these things. Can’t explain why.

The past week, I’ve just felt like giving up. I want to dig a deep hole in the ground, crawl into it, and stay there for a month. I can’t talk to people anymore pretending like I’m completely fine upstairs.

I regularly fantasize about someone choking me or beating me over the head with a heavy object.

#personal

Hello to all that are congregated here at this moment, reading this drivel of mine because you have nothing better to do. I must announce with great joy that I AM OFFICIALLY NO LONGER WORTH ANYONE'S TIME!

Exhibit A

As dumb as it sounds, the value of time actually appreciates over time. What I mean is that at a certain point even the most mentally challenged of our society must accept that the amount of time given to each human being is finite, and that the sweet release of death is drawing near. That’s when time becomes a scarce resource. You’re rationing this uniquely limited element over various priorities such as, but not limited to: getting that bag, punching drywall, and watching anime.

That’s the whole reason behind why nobody wants to hang out with me anymore. My existence is no longer important enough to justify hanging out. I’ve recently moved to a new city where I barely know anyone, and everyone I ask to hang out is rejecting me with a deluge of valid excuses, all of which are meticulously constructed polite sayings to tell me that their life is already full, and there’s no space for lil’ ol’ me. I ran away from Hinge to avoid getting ghosted by hot women and rejected by everyone else. Now I’m getting Hinged on in real life by people I know.

OK FUCKERS I SEE HOW IT IS

I’M NEVER GOING TO BE FRIENDS WITH ANY OF YOU FUCK ALL OF YOU

Nah I’m just kidding. I’d settle for anyone at this point, as long as your pronouns are breathing/alive. Or I’ll settle for inference/AI. I’ll build up a bot farm to host AI friends so they can text me at various times during the day to ask me how my day is.

Despite this, I need not despair. Jesus is my friend.

#personal #humor

I was drinking a can of Athletic (non-alc beer) the other day at a Friday happy hour with coworkers. I relinquished whatever control I had on my brain, and let my thoughts and worries go. Serotonin rushed into my bloodstream, and my head began to feel light.

My imagination cast a spell on my eyes, and I saw myself shoving my fingers up and down into my can of Athletic, and blood dripping from the cuts. The thought of me bleeding profusely brought me more joy than it should have. The fantasy continued when I got back to my apartment. I imagined myself dancing in my kitchen, dripping blood from various self-inflicted cuts on my arms and legs.

To be clear, although I've thought about self-harm throughout my life, and still have residual self-destructive thought processes ingrained in me from my early twenties / teenage years, I've never cut myself, and don't plan to. But sometimes it comes up in my daydreams, framed as a pleasurable experience, watching vivid droplets of red drip to the floor, and paint my body.

I have a host of fucked up thoughts in my head, and this is one of them. I've never told anyone about this one, and I wonder if I ever will. Sometimes, telling someone about a dark thought does more harm than good. Instead of pushing it back into the undercurrent of your subconscious, you surface it into the light as a formulated, and concrete thought that you share with another human being. If it becomes unbearable, I think I'll talk about it.

I have a host of unhealthy thoughts that populate the dark recesses of my subconscious, and I do my best to push them back into the darkness where they came from. But when an overwhelming amount of them surface, my mind becomes a prison. I'm trapped fighting with urges that torture me to act upon them. My mind is walking on a tightrope, and I've been lucky to not have fallen much so far, but how much longer will my luck last? Should I be more open about my thoughts? What would Jesus want me to do?

#personal

I pissed my pants in broad daylight during 5th grade summer camp.

I left the cafeteria trying to find an open bathroom with a little bit of spring in my step, an advanced form of the potty dance. We were out in the woods, and it was the weekend, so most buildings were locked. Peeing in the woods was not an option in my mind. I needed a urinal.

I tried building after building, rattling the locked doors in increased desperation. I even encountered a camp instructor at one point who didn't understand the gravity of the situation. My bladder was about to burst, and I needed somewhere to release. She just shrugged her shoulders at me, said, “Everything's locked”, then walked away.

My willpower remained strong, but my bladder eventually buckled under the pressure, and I started to piss my pants. Being the idiot that I was, it had never occurred to me that we were in the woods and I could piss anywhere I pleased. I stood there for a traumatic, but cathartic minute minute while apple juice soaked my black shorts and trickled down my legs. After I relieved myself, I walked back to the cafeteria a shell of my former self. I wondered how I could possibly hide for 8 more hours – I couldn't get to the cabins and change clothes until the end of the day.

I played it cool. Nobody was observant enough to notice that whenever I got up from a seat, there was liquid residue remaining on the seat afterwards. I let my pants dry out through the day, and by the end, it was as if nothing had ever happened. I don't even know how nobody noticed. My classmates were not nice enough to have intentionally turned a blind eye.

The fact that I have a small bladder has not changed much into adulthood. Now instead of pissing in my pants, I lay in bed naked and piss up into the air. If I piss for long enough, my room starts to fill up to the point where piss starts to cover my body. The water level crawls up my body, closes over my face, and eventually my nose. Then my gills open up and I begin to breathe in the piss. My room is a swamp, and I am a catfish, waiting in the waters for a snack to pass by. Yum.

#personal

Even if you are not a Christian, imagine you are for a second.

The God of the entire universe wrote a book and inside that book He tells you everything you need to know in this life. Who He is, why He created you, what kind of life you were meant to live, and what the meaning of this crazy thing we call life is. That's the Bible. Is it not the most important book to exist? Is it not impossible to read too much of it and think too much of it? You might have it rotting away on your bookshelf in pristine condition, but if you only opened it, and had the eyes to discern it, it would completely turn your life upside down.

God also gave us the ability to pray. He gave us the ability to speak directly to Him, and yet we don't do enough of it. Is God not the most interesting being to talk to in the entire universe? He created all things, including you, and knows everything about the world and the universe, down to where an electron will be in a given moment of time. Would He not be more interesting to talk to than your friends, your significant other, celebrities, or anyone else in the world? He's the best. He's the one and only. There are none like Him.

#personal