i am a trash human
I estimate about a third of my waking life has been spent in a state of numbing misery. When I’ve been in this state for longer than a week, I start needing to feel something. Anything to cut through the stupor in my brain. The usual suspects are alcohol, listening to music loud enough to hurt my eardrums, Muay Thai, or imagining my death. But I don’t even drink anymore, so usually I just blast some music or work out, which are pretty healthy coping mechanisms. I’m glad I never got into the hard drugs or psychadelics thing.
I’ve never told anyone about these things, so consider yourself special. I wish I could tell someone, but I can never do it in the moment. The moment my mouth opens and I’m about to say something, my emotions are wiped from my brain, and I can’t express myself anymore. Also, I’d feel really bad for the person listening. Everyone has their burdens, mostly burdens heavier than the troubles in my life, so I never am happy about heaping another worry on their list of things to worry about. And if they just brushed my troubles off, then I’d really really want to kill myself. I also feel a deep sense of embarrassment that I feel these things. Can’t explain why.
The past week, I’ve just felt like giving up. I want to dig a deep hole in the ground, crawl into it, and stay there for a month. I can’t talk to people anymore pretending like I’m completely fine upstairs.
I regularly fantasize about someone choking me or beating me over the head with a heavy object.