I have a heart of darkness, just like everyone else
I've always held the opinion that we can demonize public figures, Hitler, all the people who’ve committed horrible things all we want, but we all have to remember, that everyone has a little bit of Hitler in them. The evil that was in Hitler’s heart is the same evil that resides inside your heart, and my heart. And I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a shitter, and by many standards, not a good person.
“A person may think their own ways are right, but the Lord weighs the heart.” (Proverbs 21:2-3)
People who know me will disagree with my statement. But they’ve never seen the thoughts that fly through my head, and they don’t know that I take delight in evil.
Sometimes, I just want to see the world burn. I’m not so psychopathic that I’ll see a dead person and smile, but I am happy when people around me encounter miserable events in their lives. And it’s all because I’m miserable pretty much all the time. I just want to see them feel as unhappy as I do. Yesterday, I heard a member of the worship team at church talk about some church drama that was going on, and how the team had abruptly gotten disbanded. I must have been jealous of the close community that they had together, because I admit I had to stop myself from cracking a smile, imagining that community fall apart. So that each of them could be as lonely and empty as I feel every day. And it’s not like these are people I hate, either. I think they love God, and I think highly of them. It’s fucking horrible, I know. But this is the truth. Why can’t I be happy for other people when they are happy, despite whatever I’m going through? Why do I wish that everyone would drop to my level, instead of wishing that I could be as happy as other people around me?
I also am a hedonist.
No Face, a spirit inside the movie Spirited Away, is a spirit that possesses an insatiable hunger, and grows bigger and bigger, consuming everything in its path. When I see this guy, I see myself. Except instead of having a bottomless stomach, I feel like I have a hole in my mine, so that everything I eat fulfills for a moment, and falls out, leaving me empty again. And instead of food, I consume pleasure. I don’t drink anymore, but I still haven’t been able to cut porn and masturabation from my life, and I still browse internet reel slop for insane amounts of time. Sometimes, I feel possessed, and I can’t stop myself, no matter how much I want to, and like there’s a monster in me doing things that I don’t actually want to do. But I must want to do it, because that monster is just my desire.
I also hate authority. This comes from pride. Because I hate when people tell me what to do.
I also like watching that yuri shit and that menhera shit. Yuri because it’s saccharine sweet. It’s not hot to me, but emotionally satisfying for some reason. Menhera shit because misery loves company, and I fantasize about falling into a deep pit of a degenerate lifestyle of giving up on everything.
And the list goes on and on. Christianity is not a religion about do’s and don’ts, and endless rituals to appease a God. God cannot be appeased by our works alone, and, if I understand correctly, really is a God that desires our hearts and a faith in him more than anything. Of course, God is pleased by good deeds, but for our deeds to even be considered good, God judges our hearts and decides if it is in the right place. Yet faith without works is also dead.
This is a big concern of mine because I have a deep-seated fear that Jesus will cast me away from him on judgement day, saying that He did not know me (related article explaining this). The article paraphrases this sentiment.
“Jesus is saying to the five foolish virgins, ‘I don’t see in you the life, the evidence, of loving my name and departing from evil. You’re not mine. I don’t know you.’” (from the article)
Love has emotional components to it, but also many actional components to it, and I feel like I have so much evil already in my life that I do, not because I’m unaware of it, but because I’m either unwilling to cut it out because I love my sin too much, and or I’m wrestling with it, and losing. I’m to love God more than anything, including the sin in my life, and if I don’t depart from my sin, isn’t it evidence that I don’t even love God more than the sin in my life?
At this point, I just want to give up. For the past 3 weeks, I’ve had some life-ending depression, that I think was maybe triggered by watching porn again. I don’t have much hope left in me. I don’t even have many thoughts anymore. Even if I marry, I have no confidence I can do my family justice. I don’t know if I have anything good to offer this world in other respects either. I have such large mood swings all the time that I don’t trust my emotions to tell me the truth about anything anymore.
I just want to give up on myself. GOOD BYE!!!!!!!!