I have decided to hope again!
I’ve decided to hope again. Not because anything has changed in my life, but because I have decided to hope, embracing even the crushing discouragement that comes from having your hopes shattered. But those that hope can also possess joy in what is to come.
If I was placing my hope in something of this world, I would have no right to hope. Death takes all, events and people melt into the sands of time after their passing. The world will never be a just one, and those with power or money are no more evil than the rest of us, but simply have the ability to express it without regards to punishment. What I’m trying to say is that the world is hopeless, and no man can change the hopelessness of it because man is hopeless. You can only really have any hope based in reality if you have hope in God’s plan, and if you believe that His plan is a good one.
Today, the pastor spoke about the story of Leah and Rachel in the Old Testament. Rachel had a hot bod and a pretty face that was such a turn on for Issac he worked a total of 14 years for his uncle Laban to have her hand in marriage. Leah was the unwanted +1 of the 1+1 wife package that Laban sold to Isaac. Not pretty, but she had a good personality. Issac paid Leah practically no attention throughout their entire marriage despite her being the one that bore all of his children, and only showered his love on Rachel. Leah was a woman of faith, and although she initially held onto the hope that Issac would eventually love her, he never really did. Her hopes were continually realigned with every childbirth she had, from hoping for the things of this world (Issac’s love and recognition), to hoping for the things not of this world (God).
The central question that God posed in my heart today was this. Can I, in faith, say that in spite of everything in my life that makes me miserable, this is part of God’s good plan? And trust that He loves me, and wants the best for me? And that all my suffering will mean something? Can I hope in that, even if God’s definition of good does not fit my definition of good? If so, I can have joy, and I can have hope.
For the past ten years, I estimate that most of my time was spent in a headspace of misery. Refusing to hope in anything because I expected imminent disappointment, seriously considering killing myself, and wallowing in my misery and social isolation because that gave me more pleasure than hoping, then feeling stupid for having had any hope if disappointment came. If I was always miserable, I could always expect to be miserable, and unsurprised when disappointment came. It was my way of controlling my emotions. But this is in direct conflict with how God tells us to live, who commands believers to have joy. Philippians 4:4 – “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!”
I am going to stop fantasizing about opening up gashes in my arm with a kitchen knife, or feeling relieved when I imagine someone killing me. I am going to stop engaging in self-destructive behavior because I secretly want to disappear off the face of the Earth, and I will not be the one that kills me. I will now bear the fear, uncertainty that comes with having hope in a future that I have no ability to predict, and even the heart-rending disappointment that comes from not having received what I had hoped for. I will have to unlearn my entire life, and I don’t expect it to successfully happen overnight. But when I am through on the other side, I expect that I will not even recognize the man I see in the mirror.
I have placed even more of my trust in God. I have decided to hope again!