Hello to all that are congregated here at this moment, reading this drivel of mine because you have nothing better to do. I must announce with great joy that I AM OFFICIALLY NO LONGER WORTH ANYONE'S TIME!

Exhibit A

As dumb as it sounds, the value of time actually appreciates over time. What I mean is that at a certain point even the most mentally challenged of our society must accept that the amount of time given to each human being is finite, and that the sweet release of death is drawing near. That’s when time becomes a scarce resource. You’re rationing this uniquely limited element over various priorities such as, but not limited to: getting that bag, punching drywall, and watching anime.

That’s the whole reason behind why nobody wants to hang out with me anymore. My existence is no longer important enough to justify hanging out. I’ve recently moved to a new city where I barely know anyone, and everyone I ask to hang out is rejecting me with a deluge of valid excuses, all of which are meticulously constructed polite sayings to tell me that their life is already full, and there’s no space for lil’ ol’ me. I ran away from Hinge to avoid getting ghosted by hot women and rejected by everyone else. Now I’m getting Hinged on in real life by people I know.

OK FUCKERS I SEE HOW IT IS

I’M NEVER GOING TO BE FRIENDS WITH ANY OF YOU FUCK ALL OF YOU

Nah I’m just kidding. I’d settle for anyone at this point, as long as your pronouns are breathing/alive. Or I’ll settle for inference/AI. I’ll build up a bot farm to host AI friends so they can text me at various times during the day to ask me how my day is.

Despite this, I need not despair. Jesus is my friend.

#personal #humor

I have something to confess. I am actually a kissless virgin. In every sense of the phrase. I’ve never kissed a girl before, and I’ve never had sex either. When I was a college student, the topic of body count came up sometimes. Those who heard of my virginity assumed I was saving it for marriage, and said some dumb shit they didn’t mean like “respect, bro, respect.” and gave me a fistbump. Then they’d talk to me for 5 minutes and realize there were other factors at hand. An apt comparison to my virginity is a line of cheap Chinese toys that stayed on the shelves for too long and ended up 6 feet under a landfill in Alabama. I wasn’t peddling my first time to random passerby on the street by any means, but nobody was asking for it either.

Virginity is a seal of exclusivity, and for the people that care about it, it acts as a value multiplier rather than a value add. Nobody’s going “He’s a virgin. So hot!” They’re saying “He’s so hot. And a virgin too, isn’t that cute?” This is especially true for guys. There are men with insane sex fantasies drooling at the thought of taking a woman’s first time, but most women do not care if you still have your v-card. It might even count against you in the interview process, increasing proportionally with age. Just like how you might excuse a college grad but not a 40-year old for not having any work experience when showing up a job interview, not having lost your virginity becomes more and more perplexing with age. Most people will avoid thinking too much about this complicated question of “how could you still possibly be a virgin?”, and instead default to “there’s probably something wrong with him,” effectively removing you from the gene pool.

My ancestors would probably be surprised to find that one of their descendants was not able to propagate their genetics — Not due to war, famine, a second ice age, but due to severe undesirability and a penchant for developing custom-made AI girlfriends. That last part is a joke, ladies. I DO NOT have a folder on my desktop named my_waifu_harem_cave. DM me if you think I’m funny and hot.

#humor

Realizing my degree of singleness

Sometime in between the ages of 20 to 30, you start to feel a pressure. And it’s not like a blood pressure kind of pressure, the kind you start to develop if you work an office job where you sit around all day and eat unhealthy things like your boogers while typing away at a keyboard. It’s the pressure of looking down the barrel of the gun of eternal solitude. Everyone else around you is dating. Except you. You’re a little abnormal, right? Somehow, everyone’s found someone, and that someone ain’t you.

I was taking a walk with my coworker and he was talking about his friends. “Yeah, we don’t meet up much because we’re are all dating and shit. I miss the old days sometimes, you know?” That innocuous statement, which really just was him describing his life with no special spin on it, hit me like a one-two throat punch. The one being that I’ve been single for the last 4 years, and my last and only dating experience barely counted since it was 3 months, so if you don’t count that, single for the entirety of my life. The two being that even if I’m single, I have no friend group to hang with. Imagine having a friend group. Sometimes, I talk to myself in different voices and personas to simulate social situations.

< my imaginary friends >

Nowadays, a lot of people describe dating as a market, and if you aren’t dating, it usually means that you’re unwanted goods. It’s as if if you were a snack, and a company sold only you, they would be out of business in 3 hours. In Japan, they used to call women above 25 Christmas cakes because after their 25th birthday, they weren’t good anymore. I’m not a woman, or Japanese, but I’m basically a Christmas cake male at this point. Once I’ve gone bad, I’ll have lost my use, and I’ll be tossed in the incinerator, where all the other Christmas cakes go. Whee!

I may be at a degree of singleness that is truely irreparable. If this was a videogame, I’d be pressing the surrender button and typing in chat “Go next gg get me out of this game”

Why I’m single 1/n

There are many reasons I’m single. One reason is that women don’t see me as a protective figure. I’m 5’5 and built like a twink. I’ve got that Asian babyface, and probably could still pass as a high school senior, so the only people I look threatening to are 5 year olds that think I look hideous, and ask pesky questions like “Why do you never leave your room?”.

And if you factor in my personality, I become more of a safety hazard than protection. If you’ve read the other things on my blog, you would know that I’m not exactly the spitting image of mental stability. My brain is like a bomb that’s constantly on a 5 second timer. The only reason I’ve not exploded yet is because every time it reaches zero, I just tick the timer back to 5. I have a looser grip on reality than most people, and I’m afraid I’ll just lose it one day and go batshit insane. My mind usually chooses to go in directions that conflict heavily with polite society, and I have a wild imagination that lets me self-insert into practically any fictional story of my choice. I’ll sit there for days, in a catatonic prison of my own devices, staring into a screen, enjoying my absolute disconnect with reality. I can’t even watch non-animated shows anymore. I think the way real people move and talk are boring, and I’d rather immerse myself in a world of beautiful art and fluid movement that real humans could never replicate.

The end of the pity party

I’m drafting this important manuscript at the wee hours of 1am getting off a cold having done nothing all day but do laundry and eat snacks. I have zero self control. I opened a pack of gummies and just sat there watching youtube and eating gummies for what seemed like 5 minutes, and all the gummies were gone. I wanted to cry. Not only were all the gummies gone, I also felt really fat. Now I see a panda when I look in the mirror. Dark circled fatass. It’s probably because my lifestyle closely resembles that of a panda. Sit around and masticate. I need to start eating bamboo instead or some shit.

If you’re not single, and you’ve read this far, I want to tell you that I don’t want your pity. This is a pity party, but a pity party for miserable single people who just want to give up and feel defeated instead of being disappointed again. You’re not invited. Actually, no, you can come, but we’re all going to talk about how single we are. Not only do we have nothing better to talk about, but also we are making our best effort to make you feel excluded.

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#humor