sugarrush-77

I've always held the opinion that we can demonize public figures, Hitler, all the people who’ve committed horrible things all we want, but we all have to remember, that everyone has a little bit of Hitler in them. The evil that was in Hitler’s heart is the same evil that resides inside your heart, and my heart. And I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a shitter, and by many standards, not a good person.

“A person may think their own ways are right, but the Lord weighs the heart.” (Proverbs 21:2-3)

People who know me will disagree with my statement. But they’ve never seen the thoughts that fly through my head, and they don’t know that I take delight in evil.

Sometimes, I just want to see the world burn. I’m not so psychopathic that I’ll see a dead person and smile, but I am happy when people around me encounter miserable events in their lives. And it’s all because I’m miserable pretty much all the time. I just want to see them feel as unhappy as I do. Yesterday, I heard a member of the worship team at church talk about some church drama that was going on, and how the team had abruptly gotten disbanded. I must have been jealous of the close community that they had together, because I admit I had to stop myself from cracking a smile, imagining that community fall apart. So that each of them could be as lonely and empty as I feel every day. And it’s not like these are people I hate, either. I think they love God, and I think highly of them. It’s fucking horrible, I know. But this is the truth. Why can’t I be happy for other people when they are happy, despite whatever I’m going through? Why do I wish that everyone would drop to my level, instead of wishing that I could be as happy as other people around me?

I also am a hedonist.

No Face, a spirit inside the movie Spirited Away, is a spirit that possesses an insatiable hunger, and grows bigger and bigger, consuming everything in its path. When I see this guy, I see myself. Except instead of having a bottomless stomach, I feel like I have a hole in my mine, so that everything I eat fulfills for a moment, and falls out, leaving me empty again. And instead of food, I consume pleasure. I don’t drink anymore, but I still haven’t been able to cut porn and masturbation from my life, and I still browse internet reel slop for insane amounts of time. Sometimes, I feel possessed, and I can’t stop myself, no matter how much I want to, and like there’s a monster in me doing things that I don’t actually want to do. But I must want to do it, because that monster is just my desire.

I also hate authority. This comes from pride. Because I hate when people tell me what to do.

I also like watching that yuri shit and that menhera shit. Yuri because it’s saccharine sweet. It’s not hot to me, but emotionally satisfying for some reason. Menhera shit because misery loves company, and I fantasize about falling into a deep pit of a degenerate lifestyle of giving up on everything.

And the list goes on and on. Christianity is not a religion about do’s and don’ts, and endless rituals to appease a God. God cannot be appeased by our works alone, and, if I understand correctly, really is a God that desires our hearts and a faith in him more than anything. Of course, God is pleased by good deeds, but for our deeds to even be considered good, God judges our hearts and decides if it is in the right place. Yet faith without works is also dead.

This is a big concern of mine because I have a deep-seated fear that Jesus will cast me away from him on judgement day, saying that He did not know me (related article explaining this). The article paraphrases this sentiment.

“Jesus is saying to the five foolish virgins, ‘I don’t see in you the life, the evidence, of loving my name and departing from evil. You’re not mine. I don’t know you.’” (from the article)

Love has emotional components to it, but also many actional components to it, and I feel like I have so much evil already in my life that I do, not because I’m unaware of it, but because I’m either unwilling to cut it out because I love my sin too much, and or I’m wrestling with it, and losing. I’m to love God more than anything, including the sin in my life, and if I don’t depart from my sin, isn’t it evidence that I don’t even love God more than the sin in my life?

At this point, I just want to give up. For the past 3 weeks, I’ve had some life-ending depression, that I think was maybe triggered by watching porn again. I don’t have much hope left in me. I don’t even have many thoughts anymore. Even if I marry, I have no confidence I can do my family justice. I don’t know if I have anything good to offer this world in other respects either. I have such large mood swings all the time that I don’t trust my emotions to tell me the truth about anything anymore.

I just want to give up on myself. GOOD BYE!!!!!!!!

#personal

Reason why I’m doing this

Continued Discussion on What God has Entrusted Me With

I’m not even going to pretend like I am a good steward of any of the things that God has entrusted me with. I am so, so, so far away from God, and the depth of my sin and willful disobedience is so great that I despair daily at the person that I am. When I reflect upon my flaws and my sin, I don’t even know where to start. Without the cross, without grace, I cannot cross the chasm that separates me and my creator, and I am forever endebted to Christ. All that I feel I can do is spend time with God, and obey Him, so as to let Him do His work in my broken soul.

Faith and Innocence

A little tidbit of New Testament-esque justification by faith can be found in Daniel as well, if I’m interpreting this correctly.

“My God sent his angel, and he shut the mouths of the lions. They have not hurt me, because I was found innocent in his sight. Nor have I ever done any wrong before you, Your Majesty.’” (Daniel 6:22)

“The king was overjoyed and gave orders to lift Daniel out of the den. And when Daniel was lifted from the den, no wound was found on him, because he had trusted in his God.” (Daniel 6:23)

The logic of the statements follows as so:

• Daniel was saved from death because he was found innocent in God’s sight. (Daniel 6:22)
• Daniel was saved from death because he had trusted in God. (Daniel 6:23)
• Daniel could not have been truly sinless, so his innocence had to come from somewhere else. His trust/faith could have been credited to him as righteousness. Maybe it’s a stretch, since the 2 verses do not logically tie together like that.

God’s Faithfulness

Finally, God is ultimately the one who enables, and God is the one who saves. Daniel’s excellence is a result of his character (also developed by God), and also a result of God-given excellence. If Daniel was simply an excellent administrator, political intrigue would have killed him at the beginning of his career. Furthermore, regardless of skill, you cannot rise to the top of any organization, much less a large empire without an abundance of luck or divine providence. The fact that he stayed on top of the ladder for many many years amidst changing regimes and government officials jockeying violently for authority is proof of God’s faithfulness towards Daniel. God is the one who saves, God is the one who shows His faithfulness.

Interesting Note: No Community

Some prophets had wives and children. It doesn’t seem like Daniel did. As the book of Daniel progresses, his friends fall out of the picture for whatever reason, and he becomes the sole focus of the story. He probably did have a spiritual community of some sort, but it isn’t mentioned. I wonder how he did his faith life, because it almost seems like he did it alone.

End Note:

I very much dislike reading about the end times, because I sometimes fear that my name is not written in the book of life. I don’t want eternal punishment. Also, it makes me realize that I’m but a drop in the sea, and I have no power or control over these fated happenings. I barely understand what is even being described in these visions, and it still troubles me. Poor Daniel.

#slave2christ

I spent most of today in bed, choking on my own loneliness. As I mentioned in NO LONGER WORTH ANYONE’S TIME, I am officially no longer worth anyone’s time anymore. I have to forcefully wedge myself into peoples’ space and time, and figuratively ask them, “Hey, do you have a moment?” I had really hoped that I would be able to find some friends to hang with at my church, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. I’m not involved in any kind of service at church, and I’m not going to join something just because I need friends, because I don’t think God would be the biggest fan of that. And, welp, I kind of tried to make friends in faith, because I long for deep relationships that have faith at the heart of it. But it’s been a couple months, and I’m still really lonely, and I don’t really get the sense that anybody is open or willing to become friends with me.

Two things that has recently changed with me is:

1. I’m no longer self-confident

2. I’m not funny anymore

I’m not confident in myself anymore because God has shown me time and time again that I shouldn’t be confident in myself, but in Him. But I have yet to grasp what being confident in God really means. For example, I used to believe that I could achieve X, Y, Z with my own ability. But now, I’m unsure about everything. “Well, maybe I could achieve X, Y, Z if God allows, but I’m not even sure if that’s what He wants, and…” is what’s been running through my head.

I’m not funny anymore. I used to crack a lot of crass jokes, and I just kind of stopped doing that, especially around church people, because I know God doesn’t like that. But that was kind of my entire humor repertoire, and I guess I haven’t reinvented myself yet. Every conversation used to be a little minigame for me to get people to laugh, and I’ve lost that playfulness too. So I’m not funny anymore.

In either category, I’ve regressed, and it shows in my life. Some days, I can’t bear to look myself in the mirror because I can’t stand the sight of myself, because it reminds me of the entire being that I am, which I find disgusting and unbearable to be even reminded of. Socially, because I spend so much of my time coding, I’ve become an omega autist, and I have trouble making conversation with people, much less cracking jokes, and making people happy.

So today, I spent a lot of time choking on myself in bed. If I still drank, I would have drowned myself in alcohol. I’m past that, so I didn’t do that, but I instead reflected on how little anyone cared about my existence. And I don’t say that lightly. My life is currently possessed by a quietness, stillness that reflects my social isolation. My phone mostly rings with Slack messages from people at work telling me to do something, and a whole lot of ads. When I get back to my apartment from work, I compulsively turn on something like Youtube or music just to fill the silence. It’s hard for me to bear the silence.

Today I felt bodily pain while lying in bed and reflecting on my aloneness. Something hurt. I don’t know what. Maybe it was my heart. I wondered if I should cut myself with the razor blades I use to shave. If I started, I didn’t think I would be able to stop myself from going all out and giving myself a serious injury. I shivered, thinking about the ramifications of it. I would have to pay for a visit to the ER, trashing my bank account. I would have to give people at work and church some bullshit excuse on why I had a huge bandage on my wrist that everyone would see through. I would have yet another addiction to deal with. The thing that really stopped me was having to explain it to everyone. It would make me ashamed to the core. It’s just weak and lame, that whole cutting yourself thing because you hate yourself. I wouldn’t want to show myself around them again.

Some people tell me stories about how people around them are compelled to come to church because of the manner in which they live their life. They possess a hope and joy that is unknown in this world, and like a moth to a flame, people are drawn to it, and want to know why. Every time I hear a story like that, I’m cut to the core, because I know that the way that I’ve lived my life, and how I live right now, nobody will do that looking at me. I’m completely useless to both people and God. Writing was the only thing I was ever talented at, and I think I’m getting worse at that too. So I’m on the way to becoming a human dumpster.

This blog is a pretty honest reflection of my internal dialogue. Who would read this and see Christ? I’m despaired and who I am, and what I’ve become. I don’t know if I can change, and I am forcing myself to hope, because I have decided to hope.

Yeah anyways, I crashed out and fell asleep in a state of depression. I woke up, and went to church, because they had dinner for people. Everyone there was new to the city, like me, and didn’t have anywhere to go, like me. I was hoping to talk to the people a little more, but our head pastor ended up giving a long talk, which I liked too.

This is the gist:

1. God doesn’t have a special someone prepared for you in marriage. There are multiple options He usually opens up to you, and you have free will in the matter. If you’re ready for marriage, and you’re awake to the signs He’s giving you, you’ll find it. The key here is that you must first give God control over your marriage, trusting that He’ll show you someone, rather than you finding something yourself.

2. Youth is a time of venturing off the beaten path, and throwing stuff at the wall, seeing what sticks. Continually question, and try new things even if people tell you you can’t do it.

This is what I realized:

1. I need to let God take the wheel on marriage, my dreams, and friendships.

Because I don’t want to be forever alone, I must therefore marry. I don’t have any dreams of my own, mostly because I’ve given up on them, waiting for God to show me something. I don’t have friends in this new city. In all these things, I must give God full control, and continually pray for His guidance in these things. That God might prepare me to play my part in a loving marriage, that He will give me vocational calling, and that God will show me who to make my deep friendships with. I must pray with expectance, and unrelenting hope, because I know that God is listening to my every word of my prayers.

I’ve half given up on making deep faith-based friendships/relationships at church because everyone’s so busy with their own thing. But I’m also just hedging my expectations against disappointment, and I decided that I would stop doing that. I also feel bitter and rejected even though nobody’s actually rejected me (I’M SUCH A LOSER) that I just want to distance myself from them because I’m a petty bastard. I hate myself for even considering in hoping for friends, because it feels so impossible that it’ll happen that I feel like an idiot for hoping. But for God, this is a simple task. I also hate asking for help, from anyone, even God. It makes me feel incompetent, weak, and useless. If someone stabbed me in the arm, I would tourniquet myself, and take an Uber to the ER. I wouldn’t ask for help unless I was literally bleeding out.

I’m such a sensitive bitch and I can’t stop myself. I’m so stupid and I hate myself for it. (x10000000000000000)

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself

I’m

s

u

ch

a

bitch

#personal

Reason why I’m doing this

So most of this stuff doesn’t actually relate to why I started reading Daniel in the first place. It’s mostly about the crazy visions that Daniel has about the near future of regional geopolitics and the end times.

But there are still many things to be taken from the text in relation to the topic – “How can I live as a slave to Christ?”

Consistency

First off, Daniel is nothing if not consistent. His life, all the way up to the end of his life, is dedicated towards God, and everything else is secondary. God never rebukes Daniel for the sin in his life (at least in the Bible), and God continually saves Him. I’m not saying Daniel is sinless, but clearly, he never let up in his relentless pursuit of God. He practices spiritual discipline daily. He prays 3 times a day, even in the face of death for prayer.

“Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before.” (Daniel 6:10)

What’s notable about this is that it mentions that he gives thanks to God daily. This is incomprehensible without a transcendental trust in God, and an attitude of abandon towards his own life. Daniel’s life was rife with political intrigue, and there are likely many more plots against him that didn’t make it into the Bible. But it doesn’t seem like they swayed his heart at all. His trust towards God did not falter, and his faith stood the test.

This cannot be explained but by the grace of God. For who can live like this with their own strength? I need to ask God for grace, that I may be as consistent and unrelenting in my pursuit for God as Daniel.

Lives a Life Blameless Before Others

Second, Daniel’s life is blameless before others. King Darius’s administrators and satraps tried to dispose of Daniel, and investigated every nook and cranny of his life as a public servant. But they could not find a single charge against him in corruption, negligence, or lack of excellence in work. He was easily the best amongst all of them. So much that King Darius put him on a fast track for promotion.

I make so many mistakes at work, some due to my own negligence. I’m also inexperienced, and have a lot to learn. I need to step it up. I’m not representing myself, I’m representing God. But for this too, I must ask for God’s grace. For who can gain ability on their own if God does not allow it?

Trusts God

Third, Daniel is distinguished in his trust towards God.

“The king was overjoyed and gave orders to lift Daniel out of the den. And when Daniel was lifted from the den, no wound was found on him, because he had trusted in his God.” (Daniel 6:23)

I’m not sure if it was intended to be interpreted in this manner, but in the English NIV translation, the verse seems to imply that Daniel was saved because he had trusted in God. So does that mean that if Daniel did not trust in God, he would not have been saved? Not necessarily, because that logical relation does not mean that he would not have been saved for another reason. But still, this trust seems to be important.

Daniel’s life is full of obstacles. God places before him various trials the moment he arrives to Babylon, and they only increase in difficulty. At each obstacle, God seems to be asking, “No matter if I save save you or not, will you still follow me? Do you still trust in my goodness? Do you love me more than you love life itself?” For us reading the Bible, and for us familiar with Daniel’s story, it seems so obvious that God had a plan, and God would continually save Daniel, proving his faithfulness. But Daniel had no idea. At every trial he faced, there was no guarantee that God would save him yet again. After all, God allows even faithful people of God to die.

Would I be able to say yes to God even when staring down the barrel? My little unfounded theory is that God doesn’t just present trials out of the blue to a believer. It doesn’t mean that trials will never not jump in difficulty and only linearly increase in difficulty, it’s just that God gives us opportunities, even small ones, every single day, to say “yes” to Him. He builds us up in faith and character using these small opportunities, and uses us accordingly. If only we say “yes” to all the small things, I have hope that He will use even the smallest things to give us the strength to say “yes” to him when the stakes become higher. This thinking is based on the following verse.

“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much” (Luke 16:10)

Every little small thing God has entrusted in my life I need to give my utmost attention to. So what are the things in my life that God has entrusted to me?

Largely,

• a job
• my church
• friends
• family
• my extra time
• my intellect
• an Internet connection
• etc.

So God has given me each of the following things for a reason, and entrusted me with them. Without Him in the picture, these are all good things that I wouldn’t know what to do with. But with Him in the picture, I now know that He has entrusted me with each of these things for a reason, and I need to understand that reason, and in joy, prayer, and petition, fulfill God’s plan in each of these areas, as a child uses a crayon to fill in the outlines given by a coloring book.

Even when reading through Daniel, I am resoundingly sure of the fact that I have not even understood 1% of the significance of this book, and of Daniel’s life. But I hope that God will use this insignificant effort of mine to understand what it means to live for Him in a great way. I look forward to the day when God shows me how He used this time spent before Him.

#slave2christ

Reason why I’m doing this

Maybe it’s the way that the story’s told, but I get the sense that Daniel, Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego really don’t care about anything other than pleasing God. One reason it feels this way is because the writer of the Bible didn’t care to show how Daniel and his friends felt or reacted when faced with certain death. There’s no mention of fear, of worry, or hesitation. I’m sure they felt some kind of fear, since they are only human too, but the main focus is on the way they choose to respond to the situation, and not so much their emotions.

Because it’s written this way, I can’t help but imagine Daniel and his friends possessing an aura of nonchalance as they continually face certain death and danger in what I imagine to be unstable and abusive living conditions. King Nebuchadnezzar is at the very least, bipolar. He threatens to literally rip you into shreds, then prostrates himself before you and heaps riches upon you five seconds later. His gut reaction to minor inconveniences is to kill the people causing the minor inconveniences. Most people would live cowering in fear in this kind of environment. But Daniel and Co are not afraid of death in the slightest however, and so Daniel’s friends’ reaction to death threats from a man that very well means it is:

“King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” (Daniel 3:16b-18)

But despite how nonchalant Daniel and Co are, none of them are ever disrespectful or rebellious to the king. It’s not “Our almighty God will save us from you, shove an umbrella up your ass and open it,” but “The only thing I care about is my relationship with God. I’m not afraid of death, and I’m not afraid of you. But I will still treat you with the respect that a human deserves.”

Daniel and Co do not fear because their trust in God is so great, and because they, unconsciously, or consciously, know that the only thing that matters is living a life pleasing to God, which they do.

Also, the concept of career advancement does not seem to exist in their brain. I’m sure, because they seem to be smart and diligent people, that they would give it their all at the role they are placed in. But they don’t work thinking about “I need to gain more power” or “I need this promotion.” They simply do their job well, and focus on pleasing God. Then God randomly gives them a promotion via divine intervention, placing them at the top of the corporate ladder that many would kill to be at.

So a couple things stuck out to me today:

1. There’s nothing to fear but God

2. Please God

3. Do your job well

4. Be kind and respectful to others despite not being too attached to what they think of you

#slave2christ

Reason why I’m doing this

There’s a couple themes to point out.

Fate

• There’s an aspect of fate to all this. Daniel and his friends were chosen from all of Israel to serve in the courts of Babylon. They were good lookin’, smart, and all that. I’m sure there were others in Israel that could be chosen, but they were the ones. What I’m saying is that they were probably fated to be chosen.

Disciplined Commitment to Holiness

• Daniel and his friends decide at the get go that they aren’t going to eat the food sacrificed to idols. They decided it was sin, that they weren’t going to do it, and they decided to eat raw vegetables instead (pretty bad food tbh).
• The guy in charge was concerned that they would not develop properly, and grow up to be good servants of the kingdom. Then they told the guy in charge that they weren’t going to do it, and that he should test them.

Trusting in God for the Results

• Daniel and his friends trust that God is going to deliver them from having to eat food sacrificed to idols when they ask the guy in charge to test them. They would not ask the guy in charge to test them if they had no trust in God to deliver them.
• I’m sure that even if they did not pass this test, God would have given them a different way out.

Leadership

• I’m sure Daniel and his friends all led exemplary lives before God. But the spotlight is on Daniel. He seems to be one leading his friends, and they follow really well, but he does seem to be that calls the shots. But he does it in a way that is pleasing to God.
• Someone has to step up and lead.

God-given competence and excellence

• In the text, it says that God gives them all wisdom, knowledge, and discernment over the years that they study. This shows that ability is ultimately given by God. Even if we don’t receive the same talents that Daniel and co received, we can rely on God for the ability to be excellent and competent in whatever work we do, so that He will be glorified when people look at us.

#slave2christ

What does it actually look like if we are to live as a slave to Christ? My pastor recommended me the following books of the Bible to read: Daniel, Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther.

I will read them!

It becomes more and more apparent to me that living as a Christian means that I have to give up everything that I am. This bothers me, and it would probably bother anyone. But I continue, in part because I know that the only path to living the life truly lived, and living a life that God acknowledges is going forward, and giving up more and more of myself. What is the alternative? Living the same way as I did before? Mired in sin, and the meaningless things of this world? These things still call to me, as a siren calling to a sailor from the deep, but what is the point in pursuing them when I have much better things to do with my life? Isn’t it much more interesting to wake up every morning, in expectant hope of what God has in store for you that day? At least, these are the things that I tell myself to keep going. The world tries to brainwash me in one direction, so I must try to keep my thoughts going in the other.

#personal

I’ve decided to hope again. Not because anything has changed in my life, but because I have decided to hope, embracing even the crushing discouragement that comes from having your hopes shattered. But those that hope can also possess joy in what is to come.

If I was placing my hope in something of this world, I would have no right to hope. Death takes all, events and people melt into the sands of time after their passing. The world will never be a just one, and those with power or money are no more evil than the rest of us, but simply have the ability to express it without regards to punishment. What I’m trying to say is that the world is hopeless, and no man can change the hopelessness of it because man is hopeless. You can only really have any hope based in reality if you have hope in God’s plan, and if you believe that His plan is a good one.

Today, the pastor spoke about the story of Leah and Rachel in the Old Testament. Rachel had a hot bod and a pretty face that was such a turn on for Issac he worked a total of 14 years for his uncle Laban to have her hand in marriage. Leah was the unwanted +1 of the 1+1 wife package that Laban sold to Isaac. Not pretty, but she had a good personality. Issac paid Leah practically no attention throughout their entire marriage despite her being the one that bore all of his children, and only showered his love on Rachel. Leah was a woman of faith, and although she initially held onto the hope that Issac would eventually love her, he never really did. Her hopes were continually realigned with every childbirth she had, from hoping for the things of this world (Issac’s love and recognition), to hoping for the things not of this world (God).

The central question that God posed in my heart today was this. Can I, in faith, say that in spite of everything in my life that makes me miserable, this is part of God’s good plan? And trust that He loves me, and wants the best for me? And that all my suffering will mean something? Can I hope in that, even if God’s definition of good does not fit my definition of good? If so, I can have joy, and I can have hope.

For the past ten years, I estimate that most of my time was spent in a headspace of misery. Refusing to hope in anything because I expected imminent disappointment, seriously considering killing myself, and wallowing in my misery and social isolation because that gave me more pleasure than hoping, then feeling stupid for having had any hope if disappointment came. If I was always miserable, I could always expect to be miserable, and unsurprised when disappointment came. It was my way of controlling my emotions, and at a certain point, the misery felt good. But this is in direct conflict with how God tells us to live, who commands believers to have joy. Philippians 4:4 – “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!”

I am going to stop fantasizing about opening up gashes in my arm with a kitchen knife, or feeling relieved when I imagine someone killing me. I am going to stop engaging in self-destructive behavior that stems from me wanting to die. I will not be the one that kills me. I will now bear the fear, uncertainty that comes with having hope in a future that I have no ability to predict, and even the heart-rending disappointment that comes from not having received what I had hoped for. I will have to unlearn my entire life, and I don’t expect it to successfully happen overnight. But when I am through on the other side, I expect that I will not even recognize the man I see in the mirror.

I have placed even more of my trust in God. I have decided to hope again!

#personal

I estimate about a third of my waking life has been spent in a state of numbing misery. When I’ve been in this state for longer than a week, I start needing to feel something. Anything to cut through the stupor in my brain. The usual suspects are alcohol, listening to music loud enough to hurt my eardrums, Muay Thai, or imagining my death. But I don’t even drink anymore, so usually I just blast some music or work out, which are pretty healthy coping mechanisms. I’m glad I never got into the hard drugs or psychadelics thing.

I’ve never told anyone about these things, so consider yourself special. I wish I could tell someone, but I can never do it in the moment. The moment my mouth opens and I’m about to say something, my emotions are wiped from my brain, and I can’t express myself anymore. Also, I’d feel really bad for the person listening. Everyone has their burdens, mostly burdens heavier than the troubles in my life, so I never am happy about heaping another worry on their list of things to worry about. And if they just brushed my troubles off, then I’d really really want to kill myself. I also feel a deep sense of embarrassment that I feel these things. Can’t explain why.

The past week, I’ve just felt like giving up. I want to dig a deep hole in the ground, crawl into it, and stay there for a month. I can’t talk to people anymore pretending like I’m completely fine upstairs.

I regularly fantasize about someone choking me or beating me over the head with a heavy object.

#personal

Hello to all that are congregated here at this moment, reading this drivel of mine because you have nothing better to do. I must announce with great joy that I AM OFFICIALLY NO LONGER WORTH ANYONE'S TIME!

Exhibit A

As dumb as it sounds, the value of time actually appreciates over time. What I mean is that at a certain point even the most mentally challenged of our society must accept that the amount of time given to each human being is finite, and that the sweet release of death is drawing near. That’s when time becomes a scarce resource. You’re rationing this uniquely limited element over various priorities such as, but not limited to: getting that bag, punching drywall, and watching anime.

That’s the whole reason behind why nobody wants to hang out with me anymore. My existence is no longer important enough to justify hanging out. I’ve recently moved to a new city where I barely know anyone, and everyone I ask to hang out is rejecting me with a deluge of valid excuses, all of which are meticulously constructed polite sayings to tell me that their life is already full, and there’s no space for lil’ ol’ me. I ran away from Hinge to avoid getting ghosted by hot women and rejected by everyone else. Now I’m getting Hinged on in real life by people I know.

OK FUCKERS I SEE HOW IT IS

I’M NEVER GOING TO BE FRIENDS WITH ANY OF YOU FUCK ALL OF YOU

Nah I’m just kidding. I’d settle for anyone at this point, as long as your pronouns are breathing/alive. Or I’ll settle for inference/AI. I’ll build up a bot farm to host AI friends so they can text me at various times during the day to ask me how my day is.

Despite this, I need not despair. Jesus is my friend.

#personal #humor