sugarrush-77

I'm walking down the street. You come up to me, front kick me into the gutter, soccer kick me in the ribs, then pound me in the face until I look like a panda. Then you keep my face firmly anchored in the gutter with one hand, forcing me to make out with the algae stuck to the cement. You light a cig with the other hand.

I think I would just let it happen, and watch as you extinguished the cig on my face. I don't have the energy to defend myself, or even hate myself anymore. I probably would have the energy to scream, however, and you'd probably get arrested.

I am just deeply convinced that I am a worthless person, and my existence is largely inconsequential. But to be clear, I don't want to die, and I still work hard at my life. What this means is that I still work out, try to meet people, and take a glance in the mirror to fix my hair once in a while. But I also don't tell people about my problems (I'm not worth being concerned about), I don't have much intention of dating / marrying / starting a family, and don't make any long-term future plans at all.

I'm not in any distress, and I feel calmer than ever. I'm even getting better at handling negative events in my life, and continuing with the motions despite how I feel. I've decided that I'll keep on living until I no longer am. But I wonder how long I'll be okay with this way of life. When I get even lonelier and more alone than I am now when all my friends get married, have families, and move on, will I still be okay with everything? I wish I knew, because my dating and marriage prospects are pretty fucked if I decide to start looking when I'm 30-something.

Please do not tell me to go to therapy. I've already made an internal vow to never go to therapy. Therapy is for people that are schizophrenic, deeply depressed, recently divorced, something like that. For people like me that were brought up in fairly happy families, it's rare that there is more to be said than variants of “suck it up; life is pain”, “take a chill pill; stop overthinking and take a nap”, and “love yourself”.

Especially that last one. “Love yourself.” Some of the greatest brainrot of the twenty-first century produced by Western pop culture is the message that we somehow, do not love ourselves enough. Homo sapiens is the most self-obsessed being on Earth, maybe even in all the universe. So much that we decided to keep telling ourselves that we need to somehow value ourselves even more than we already do.

“But how can you love other people when you don't first love yourself?” It's literally possible. I already do this in some capacity every day. If it's possible for me in the grace of Christ, it's possible for you too in the grace of Christ.

I don't blame people for drinking the kool-aid because this rhetoric has already permeated every millimeter of society and we are now indoctrinating people with it. I typically don't voice my disagreement though. I pick my battles, and this is definitely not worth dying on a hill for.