sugarrush-77

Zabit Magomedsharipov had an interesting interview where he basically says the success is when you find the meaning of life. YT Clip

Ever since I saw it — maybe two, three weeks ago, maybe it was just a week ago actually — this thought has been living rent-free in my head. Because I saw the way the guy was talking and what he said, and I instinctively knew that he had spoken some kind of universal truth. I couldn't express it but I understood it.

It was also confirmed by life experiences I recently had. I was pretty friendless for a long time and then I met some friends. We went to karaoke, we drank, I went to this guy's birthday party and had some fun. I wasn't lonely in any capacity like I had been for a very long time. And then I came back and I was just like, why did I fucking do that? What was the meaning of that? We had some fun, it was a good time, maybe I needed it — but then again what was the meaning of it all?

I also feel this when I look at my X timeline, where all these people are like, “Oh look at AI, AI this AI that, escape the permanent underclass, you just gotta hit your goals, get rich,” all this bullshit. Does this really mean anything in the end? That's what I think when I read those things. We might all be just focusing on the wrong thing, which is why the world is in such a fucked up state.

All in all I was left wondering, what is the meaning of life? This week at bible study the pastor was like, “The meaning of life is to know and love Jesus/God.” And then in the sermon this week the head pastor was talking about different layers of meaning to life — sub-meanings, lower levels of meaning, which are like doing well at your job, raising a family, all these things. And above it all there is a super-meaning, which is something that cannot really be communicated because it is this greater meaning that is hidden to you by the universe, a.k.a. God. Super-meanings are important because the smaller sub-meanings are very temporary, vanish over time, and can never really fill you. They are very dependent on your environment and circumstance. For example, even if you were living within Auschwitz, the super-meaning would give your life full meaning. Because in such a hard place like that, where basically everything is stripped away from you and you live a very barren life in terms of worldly aspirations and there is no hope — all the sub-meanings disappear and it's revealed to you and everyone else around you whether you have a super-meaning or not.

One of the conclusions made during the sermon was:

1. Man's search for meaning stops when he finds God.

2. Man's struggle with theology stops when he finds a good church.

And then he said this. If you feel a sense of meaninglessness in life, there are ONLY 2 possibilities:

1. You have decided to love yourself more than God — come back to Him, let go of your idols.

2. You have not actually met the living God yet.

Because I am confident that I believe in God and I am confident that this is what I believe in, I know that what applies to me is number one. I know this. I've been on a bit of a rebellious road in a lot of ways. Not really rebellious probably in the eyes of others, but God knows how my heart is.

I've been frustrated with God and mad at him because life hasn't really been working out the way I wished it would. A lot of isolation. I feel as if a lot of the people around me don't care about me and so I've been angry. No close relationships. Out of rebellion I just decided not to do shit — not really try at all in my faith life. Didn't really pray anymore, read the Bible, or things like that. Things that would bring you closer to God, because I just didn't want to be close. I was just mad.

Despite the fact that he's given me a lot, I felt like some of my basic needs were not being met. And then even when they were met, they weren't exactly what I wanted. That girl that liked me — I didn't like her back. The friend group I found — I'm not sure if I want to be friends with them because their definition of fun is getting high, getting domed, getting super drunk. I don't really hate them for it or think badly of them for it. It just feels like — why? What's the point? It just feels a little pointless to me. It's just not really that fun.

And I have really hated myself for the past couple months. It's this weird twisted obsession with yourself — this twisted kind of self-love that makes me hate myself. I like it because it lets me obsess on myself, lets me focus on myself over all other things, and it makes me feel good in some ways, but it's also self-hatred. It's this very self-centered kind of self-hatred, if that makes sense.

That's what I've been on, and I think God is telling me I gotta get off. Like he's let me do this for a little bit, and now it's time to stop. Get back on the horse. Live life the way I want you to. I wasn't really happy to hear that message today. I didn't really want to hear it. But then again I felt like there's no going back. After you really understand this, once you really start believing it, there isn't any way back but forward.

I can only go forward, because knowing God in some ways has ruined a lot of things for me — ruined things that would previously bring me satisfaction. I'm at this point where sometimes I feel like I really don't care about anything else but God, even though I haven't been praying at all. Nothing else matters. It's just so clear to me. It's this mental awakening, this realization that once you see the truth you can't go back. That's what it feels like to me anyways.

I feel very free in it. Almost a little detached from everything. I don't know if that's correct, but even though I don't want to go any further — even though I just want to stop here and not progress anymore in my journey with God and just give up and die on the side of this road — I know that it's not possible anymore once I've seen it. I can't go back.

I feel like once I get on this journey I won't recognize myself at the end of it. I don't know how I feel about that, because so much of my personality has been about all this cruft that God is trying to remove from me. I don't know what I am other than that. This has been my identity — the one that people have liked me for, the identity that I liked myself for. So what happens once I remove all that? I don't even know what I am anymore. I don't like it, but there's no path but the one forward.

I don't know anything anymore, I think. Who knows where God will lead me.

God, I know you are listening. I pray to you, Lord, that you would forgive me for all that I've done, all that I will do. I want to thank you for choosing me to die on the cross for me. I pray that my joy will come from you and that until the day I die you would be at the forefront of my mind. Lord, help me not to lose this awakening, this understanding that you have opened to my eyes. It's so easy to lose it because it's not expressable in words. I just know and I feel it and maybe that's the way it should be.

Despite the fact that I can't express it, I know that this is more important than anything else I know. God, would you help me to love you and love my neighbors and those that are not my neighbors? Thank you for everything. I do not understand but help me to give you my all and then some. Help me to wholly rely on you for all the things I cannot do, which is really everything.

Lord, everyone's getting hitched around me. Everyone's dating, marrying, doing all this and I feel like I'm so behind and there's no hope for me. I'll never find anyone; I'll never even find friends. Sometimes I spiral like that but God, that's me again focusing on myself. Help me to turn my eyes outwards to you instead of myself, to gaze on you instead of myself, and to look at the people around me. Help me not to be concerned with myself and be self-centered. Lord, would you give me a heart to love others and to find joy in you no matter what circumstances are before my way, whether I am single for the rest of my life, whether I never make another friend, or I'm just completely alone? Lord, be with me. Help me to look at you and not myself and not this world.

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Despite just being and maybe what others would consider a dark time in my life, I don't even care because I know the meaning of life now and it has set me free. Nothing else really matters. If I die, I die. If I live, I live. I understand now.