sugarrush-77

God, forgive me for my sins. I’m so tired I can’t feel anything. Is there a penitent heart in there somewhere?

I’m sorry for all the sins I will commit, simply because I love the world too much. I confess that there is no love in me, and I am just as depraved as anyone else walking this Earth. Not even love for you. I cannot do anything good apart from you. I want to give up on trying to do that. Because I have realized that any act of mine, without being imbued and blessed by your love in my heart, is a worthless husk. Trapped by duty, trying to uphold biblical standards of perfection so I don’t sully your name or turn people away from Christ is actually doing harm to me and everyone else involved. I don’t need that in my life anymore. I need not plastic surgery to make my acts perfect, but I need you to give me a heart transplant.

I don’t think it’s even right for me to ask you for the heart to love others. Sometimes I’m just asking for it so I can be right in your sight, and not break rules, rather than because I’m in a state of distress that I cannot love those that I should. I am a selfish man, and I know to fear punishment from a holy God. I think I just need to want you, but even that is a heart that I cannot gain on my own, and even that is not a heart that is natural to me.

For some reason, Lord, you have given me faith. Definitely not because I am better than others, but for some reason I cannot understand. But you have started this journey through your grace, and now I realize that not a single step towards the goal can be taken without overbearing amounts of your grace. I believe in you enough to desire heaven and fear hell, but I confess I don’t love you like that. I realize that life is meaningless without you, but still I fill my heart with the pleasures of the world without seeking you. Many times, you have given me a new heart that has allowed me to desire you, and many times I have thrown it away, turned it as hard as stone again, so I could revel in the trifles of this world. I humbly ask you that you would again, give me another chance. If you wish. Up to you. I know I don’t deserve it.