I give up on myself! HAHAHAHA! I WIN!

There are 4 main reasons I’m emotionally repressed.

  1. My mom (bless her heart) has bad anger issues. Sometimes, she got so mad that she beat the fuck out of me. This made me view emotions as dangerous, and hate emotional people.

  2. I was an emotional kid. When I got excited, I lost control. My mom compared me once to a kid who had it more under wraps than me with good manners. That made me afraid of losing control.

  3. I’m shy, and care a lot about what people think of me.

  4. I’m a guy, and men are taught to repress their feelings.

But I just realized I don’t want to live like this anymore. My heart hurts sometimes from holding it all in. Literally. My heart actually fucking hurts sometimes.

And here’s the crazy thing. I don’t even feel happy when I feel happy. I get scared when I feel happy, because I’m not used to feeling happy and fulfilled, like “What is this feeling lmao?” I actually feel a twisted sense of happiness when I’m miserable. It just feels right to be deep in the shit. It feels right to be scared, lonely, shocked out my mind while imagining me cutting myself to shreds. Maybe I don’t do that anymore. Maybe accept happiness, at least when it comes?

I want to be free and let go. I realize this is a bit backwards. Usually, you make your emotional mistakes as a teen, or a kid, and you dial it back as you get older. I’m an adult. But better I make my mistakes now, rather than later, right? I want to feel what I’m feeling again. I want myself, to be honest with myself. I don’t want to live the rest of my life in a dissociative daze, in an out of body experience where I’m looking at myself from the third person. If I’m being honest, I was probably too concerned with looking like a model student, and a model son, and a model Christian as a teen and a young adult. And I was way too good at hiding my emotional baggage and the shitshow in my brain from other people for my own good. I tricked pretty much everyone.

By trade, I’m currently a programmer, but ironically, I think this will also make me better at programming. Programming isn’t just about writing code. It’s also about being good at making snap decisions with intuition, because sometimes, you don’t have time to really think your decisions through. Intuition is feeling, and feeling is loosely connected to emotions. I think too much, don’t feel enough.

I’m so used to hiding in an emotional shell, even from myself. Sometimes, I’m feeling an emotion, and I’ll become too self-aware of myself, and it’ll recede back into my heart. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t even know where to start. But it’ll take some time.

Maybe one thing I’ll do is write a feeling diary. But instead of dissecting my emotions and explaining the thoughts behind why I felt that way in the moment like I usually do, I’ll just start writing some whimsical bullshit. Like, “I felt magenta, then aquamarine-yellow, and a butterfly grew out of my bellybutton when I laughed.”

This seems very sudden, and out of the blue, so I’ll write a note for myself on how this thought germinated in my mind. A couple things happened.

  1. I was writing some short fiction, and realized I lacked a creative spark that I used to have, that excitement of embarking on a new adventure, that joy of creation, that whimsy, the JUICE that breathes feeling into my characters, deep emotion into them, the lifeblood of vivid description gushing from my pounding, trembling heart onto the page.

  2. I gave up on myself. I got wrapped up in a bunch of neurotic spiritual bullshit, and looked at the people around me that were serving God better than me, that loved Him more than me, and were… happy. I looked at myself, and said, “What the fuck am I doing wrong? I’m a shitter. I’m miserable. Rarely happy. I’m missing something.” The answer is I don’t fucking know. But I did realize I need to take 50 steps back, reinvent my whole jive, and blow everything in my head the fuck up. I’ve built, brick by brick, a thought-library of bullshit in my head. If God is real, and truly with me, I trust that He will lead me through this, and save me in the end.

  3. What catalyzed this realization was this. I was watching the opening of City the Animation, and it was just so fucking beautiful. The vibrant colors, the exuberant overture explosion of sound, and the sweet emotional bond that binds the cast together culminated in a joyous experience that blew out the receptors in my frontal cortex. It affected me so much emotionally, that I felt alive again for the first time a in a long time, and I began to wonder why. I began to wonder if, this experience, of me watching the opening to this anime was also part of God’s plan. And oh how happy would I be to believe that.

I give up on myself! But I don’t do it with the defeated expression of yesterday night, when I told myself it was all over. I give up on myself joyously with a smile on my face, and tears trembling in my eyes! I WIN! I feel like I can fly again! I haven’t smiled for real in forever! I feel like a bright yellow-white! Or maybe it’s just this song I have on repeat that’s the one doing the talking :P

I hereby renounce my previous favorite color green. Now, my favorite is YELLOW