From the train to Monroe University
I wanted to kill myself, but I can't do it yet. I don't think I'm ready to give up on everything just yet. And when I'm on the brink of doing it, the beauty of existence drags me back.
I pulled my hungover body from bed and stepped into the shower, and set my phone against the wall. Maware Maware by Ryusenkei and Atsuko Hiyaj echoed along the dripping tile, wet glass, and back into my ears. Warm chords. Reminiscent of a humid, lazy summer day in Korea. Warm water slipped through fingers, down my spine, into the drain. The tactile feeling of touching water sparked something in my heart. Vision blurred. I realized that while I didn't want to live anymore, I was also greedily sucking at the teet of life, desperate for anything else I could draw out of it.
My friend invited me to visit his university today. Before I left, I read Galations 6, which I've been reading over and over again. I always pause at
“7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”
The Bible is often harsh against sexual immorality. So when I read passages like this, I'm reminded that I masturbate and watch porn, now not even because I need to fulfill an urge, but because I feel so damn lonely, like someone's poked a hole in my heart. It makes me so damn depressed I start eyeing the knife in my kitchen and wondering what it would look like hanging out of my arm. So I start jacking off. It makes me feel a little better. What does God think of that? I have no idea.
Also, if a man truly “reaps what he sows”, is the reason I've got no bitches and want to kill myself all the time because I am the dickhead, the root cause that fucked over my life? Probably almost certainly.
As I walked out the door, I decided that I would probably give up trying to win anyone's love, but that I would at least try to give myself to God. I wondered, “what would God call me to today?” I wrote this on the train to my friend's university.