sugarrush-77

So there's this girl I'd been talking with for a good amount of time. We're just friends — I think she's funny, our conversations are great, she lives pretty far away from me so it would be hard to meet up anyway. But I think she started catching feelings for me.

How I know is that a couple days ago she started sending me these texts out of the blue. We're having a normal conversation and she just sends me this thing about like, five different ways guys respond to a girl's texts, something about her complaining about some bitchy girl she had to deal with. And then she was like “which one would you choose?” And I'm like, oh. This is weird. I was not thinking of you like this.

I realized okay, we do match well personality-wise. But I just don't think she's pretty. Is that fucked up? That's pretty fucked up. That's a little fucked up, but it's like — whether you’re a guy or a girl, whatever, as long as you’re human, there needs to be some base level of attraction for you to like someone. If you're just not attractive to someone, it ain’t happening. I just don't think she's attractive physically and it's a little fucked up to say that but I know myself. I have a feeling that if we start dating I will not treat her right, because I don't find her attractive, so she won't be that valuable to me, and I don't think she would want that either. So I kinda just did not respond well to any of her comments whenever she sent me shit hinting at dating. It's awkward.

Then I was drinking a little bit on Friday night, and on my Uber ride back we were texting, and she was like oh I wanna call you. So we called. We were just talking about random shit and then it got to a point where she was like, “I hate talking to all these guys who have hidden intentions, who are like 'oh I just want us to have a good friendship, a good relationship, make sure we really care about each other,' when they're just trying to date me.” And it's like — I don't even really blame these guys? She's been bitching about this for months. Guys approach her and she doesn't feel left alone. But okay, if someone has to approach you, the only reason you're mad is because you're not attracted to any of these people. You're not mad that people are approaching you. You're mad that the wrong people are approaching you, and none of the people you actually like are approaching you. That's kinda a stupid thing to be mad about imo.

And yeah dude, meanwhile I'm out here getting like five minutes of attention from nobody. In the dating market it is very clear that nobody wants me. I'm trying to expand my circle but it's not easy to find a date. I think I also don't take enough care of how I look — I probably need to look more presentable, all that bullshit — but fuck dude, I'm working on too much shit. I'm making a game, trying to figure out all this AI shit so I don't get left behind in the dust, working a lot, working out, going to church, doing community service here and there. When do I even have time for this? I don't know. Fuck. I need to do something. Fuck, whatever.

Anyways she was going on about how she doesn't like all these guys approaching her with impure intentions, and the specific thing she said was that she hates guys who are “playing the long game.” And I just — I was pretty drunk at this point — I just laughed at her and told her, yeah don't worry about me playing the long game with you, that's never happening.

She hasn't texted me since. Which is really funny in a fucked up way. She has not texted me since.

I do think this might be over, but out of respect for her I will not pull that shit. I will not force myself to be attracted to someone I'm not attracted to. I'm sure she'll find someone — there's too many people approaching her for her not to. It'll be good. She just has to get over this rejection of sorts.

But also given that I haven't dated in like many years and I barely have any dating experience, maybe it wouldn't be bad to just try it out. What's the point of even trying it out? Maybe because I don't think she's hot in any way; never thought she was pretty ever in my life. I don't think I ever will.

It's kind of a big bump for me to just ignore, dude. Yeah it's tempting and maybe I should just take it and go with a flow and just break up in like two months. I feel like that's what's going to happen. Anything else than that is gonna be just a long slog towards an eventual breakup. I don't know, I don't know.